you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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