We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
