I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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