Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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