I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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