Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
