I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
