Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
