Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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