we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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