He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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