that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
