but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize
