sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
