That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
