I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Did I show you my penis last night?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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