I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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