i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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