yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
