I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
