The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
