Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
