I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
