So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
