I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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