He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
