I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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