He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
