I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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