So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
