Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i wish my penis had a tongue
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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