I accidentally burped into my bong.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
