I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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