Apparently you make a good broom.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
