why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
