textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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