STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
