It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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