I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize