Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
