there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
