Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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