wrigley field is MILF paradise
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize