All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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