i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
