Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
