This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
