I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
nutella sex= disaster
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize