my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
