Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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