Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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