You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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