Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
