so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
