my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
