This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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