Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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