So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
